Being Alone.

This afternoon, I had to attend some training and after the longest time, I had to settle lunch outside alone. Even though I am a true blue introvert, there is just something about solo meals under the glaring eyes of the public that still slightly intimidates me.

I mean, over the past few years, I have definitely grown to be more comfortable with hanging out with just myself. You know those quotes saying ‘Learn how to enjoy spending time with yourself, and you’ll never truly feel alone’? I remember treating that as my mantra for a period of time while I was still schooling haha. It’s the truth, right? It’s just like the saying ‘You must learn to love yourself before knowing how to love someone else.’ And all that jazz. You get my drift.

Due to this little man called Anxiety which always exists within me, I googled for places to comfortably seek solitude during this scary thing called lunch hour. Crazy queues, hungry (ok, more like hangry) people crowding around, chionging and chope-ing seats? Thanks but no thanks. *shudders* Pre-planning is definitely required for a solo trooper like me.

Headed to the shortlisted lunch space and just expected, a long queue was formed outside of it. I looked into my bag containing a paper bag generously given by my co-worker earlier this morning, and felt a sigh of relief. Bag of samosa and goreng pisang! My well-needed sustenance to tide me through the lunch hour.

After spending an hour in the library, I scurried back to said lunch space and was really glad to spot a much smaller crowd. I noticed a tiny seat for 2 from the corner of my eye - yesssss victory!! I plopped myself onto the seat with my big bowl of hot cream soup, ready to spend some alone meal time.

While munching on lunch, I took a look around me. People were mostly in pairs or threes. There were students, office workers, people who looked like they just finished a workout, etc. I listened to the trio beside me talking about how difficult it is to plan for their career - they were entering jc/poly next year, wow - that youth! I WANT IT BACK. The table across had two people taking happy selfies with the food. The lady clearing the tables in front had this constant smile across her face, while she struggled with balancing the stack of bowls she had in her arms. Someone offered to carry a tray for her. She politely declined.

Something about people-watching which is.... weirdly therapeutic. I don’t know. Is that even normal? It kinda just makes me forget about myself, my work, work, work, my schedules, my deadlines. I feel like I’m being placed in this other point of view where I’m in this other bubble while watching the world go by. Silent, peaceful bubble.

You watch how people interact with one another, you notice moments which would normally be overlooked. You notice moments of kindness, moments of angst, moments of happiness.

I looked at the clock and it was almost time. I cleaned up my bowl, took a sip of water and left for my destination.

You know what? I miss such solitude. After starting work, my mind has been in such a whirl. I used to stop and admire life as its own when I was a student. I took slower steps, looked around more often and somehow, that led to me being more grateful and I think.... I just lived.

Even though I told myself to always remember this side of life prior to starting work, I realised only today (after 3 years of work, goodness!) that I have been barely surviving, what more living. To me, living isn't even about going for all kinds of adrenaline-rushy activities. It simply means taking a step back and acknowledging the current state of mind. My mind has always been filled by the tasks I have on hand. I even wake up with the first thought of 'what do I need to complete today?'. It's might not seem too much, but it truly adds up. It slowly eats you up inside, and with a little a day, that insignificance builds up and leaves you with a large mental hole.

With the increase in the focus on mental health these days, I do really appreciate articles floating around the net to remind us to be slightly kinder to ourselves, to take a mental break, albeit rather difficult in this incredibly fast-paced, deadlines-driven society.

You know what? It's so difficult to remember things which aren't emphasised these days. Who focuses on breaks and what not if productivity, efficiency, speed and results are all that's deemed as success nowadays?

I've fallen trap to the mainstream idea of success, and have placed what's truly important (to me) aside for the past few years.


But not today.