Career Crossroads in my 20s?

It’s the end of another work week. 

After exclaiming my weekly ‘TGIF lo!!!’, I packed my bags, gleamed at my schedule of no plans, headed home for a hearty home-cooked dinner, and had a comforting bath before getting nicely nestled in bed.

While performing my daily millennial ritual of social media scrolling, I came across this meaningful video by SoImJenn, featuring Grab on raising the awareness of inclusivity of the PWD community, through their Grab for Good campaign.

Here’s the video:

After watching the video, I got all teary. It’s amazing how such videos remind me of how fortunate we are, and the littlest things that we often overlook.

However, the strongest feeling I got from this video was actually - what the heck am I doing with my life?

In fact, this question has been boggling my mind for the past couple of weeks, or even months. This actually came as a surprise to me - I have always thought of myself to be satisfied with where I was, contented with my day-to-day duties, and then one day, my brain decided to switch gears and it suddenly became..... confused. I became confused.

Confused about two words - my purpose.

It started off as a small speck of thought. It would occasionally peek in, while I was in the shower (y’know, shower thoughts), while I’m on the train to work, or become I fall asleep at night. These thoughts would just come and go, occasionally weaving through the slivers of my mind. 

And then it got more common. I found myself questioning things more often. I began to look at different situations and was thinking about how things might, or could have been. 

I know, it’s freaking weird to say this - but am I on my career crossroads? I’m barely 3ish years into the workforce, am I even allowed to verbalise this, or feel this way?? Is there such a thing as being too young to say that? Shouldn’t people only feel it when they have hustled for many years, and when they are in the midst of their mid-career crises? 

I feel almost ashamed for feeling like that. :’(

And there’s just this voice in my head, which I call ‘The Logical Mel’. It usually tells me: 

“STOP BEING AN IDEALIST!!! STOP THINKING SO MUCH! YOU ARE JUST COMPLICATING THINGS. JUST GO WITH THIS SAFE & CONVENTIONAL LIFESTYLE!”

My peers are mostly on their second on third jobs. Everyone around me seems to know what they want - they seem to have their plans in place, everyone has their game going, and nobody seems to be questioning their current way of living. 

This makes me a lot more doubtful of myself. It’s difficult to reach out to a goal which is of the minority, it feels like a real lonely journey. 

While I can’t shake off this nagging feeling, I’m rooted by so many fears. 

1. Am I being ungrateful for leaving something I don’t dislike?

This is at the top of my list. The fact that I don’t dislike my job. I used to think that that itself should make me stay somewhere, because that’s already something that’s hard to come by. There are so many people who dread heading to work, because they really really dislike facing what they do on a daily basis. I don’t dislike what I’m doing, there are some aspects which are still interesting. Which makes the situation a whole lot trickier.

You see, if you hate your job, you’ll be so compelled to leave it. But here I am, slowly getting comfortable/used to my area of work, having my own group of colleagues to hang out with, and I’m not completely sucky at what I do. 

Leaving something that's termed as an iron rice bowl is also pretty damn scary. When I see people streaming in for interviews at my company, it reminds that people are actually fighting for a spot like me. Is it...... worth giving up?

However, I think  I don’t feel mentally stimulated at work. Most of the time, I’m just following through work processes, and getting them done to achieve KPIs. And that itself is worrying to me. Isn't that akin to being a corporate slave? If I were to get complacent at this age, I can’t imagine how I would be in 5 years time....? 10 years time......? The fact that humans get more reluctant to leave their comfort zones as time passes, really scares me. 

2. Fear of letting my parents down

This. Another one. I feel like I can't afford to 'make a mistake', if that even makes sense? I know that this shouldn't be the biggest concern, but I would never want to let my parents down. They've given me so much all these years, and it is my wish to be able to provide them financially, if I were to have the means to do so.

Leaving something which provides me financial security and certainty is damn freaking intimidating. Being armed with a local undergraduate degree does come with its advantages. My parents have put me through college with their hard-earned money, and that provided me with an opportunity to be on a slight pedestal for certain opportunities. It was because of them, that I got this privilege. Throwing that away just seemed really ungrateful..... you know?

By making such a decision, am I being really selfish?

3. Fear of it being just an idealistic bubble

Am I just being too idealistic? Is it too idealistic for me to hold on to the belief that there should still be more to life than just this? Is it wrong to think that there should be more purpose in what we spend 8h every weekday on? Or is it just too good to be true?

There's this concept about Ikigai by the Japanese.

For the uninitiated, Ikigai is a Japanese concept that means "a reason for being." (From Wiki). In short, achieve the centre of the venn diagram, and you'll wake up feeling full of purpose, and have a sense of purpose and meaning to life. 

And I'm completely convinced by it. That's definitely the 'best case scenario', but shouldn't we actively work towards it? I strongly believe having purpose is what drives people to do better, do good and feel fulfilled. 

But with this concept being predominantly in cities with a slower pace of life, is it too idealistic to strive towards this way of life?

4. Fear of not being (good) enough?

I am looking for something that keeps me excited and motivated. I want to serve the community, and to give back to people. I want to spend the bulk of my time doing something that I know is helping in improving someone's life, be it in a small or big way. 

I was listening to a podcast recommended by someone on Dayre (@qinqin, hello if you see this!), which is called the LITO podcast. It is started by a duo, Danny and Rebecca. On the show, they talk about relatable topics such as mental health, doing joyful work, passion etc etc. I found myself looking forward to every episode, and resonating well with the thoughts shared by the speakers. The topics and their way of speaking were very digestible, and easy to listen to. I found it particularly enjoyable because of the way they showed their vulnerability, and they were very willing the challenges they faced along the way, and what it took to get them to where they are at now. It is very inspiring. :-) 

As you can imagine, the both of them are #goals now. They are working on what they are passionate about, and you could tell from their voices. They are such happy people, it's amazing. However, it took them hard work, grit and courage for them to get to where they are right now.

In one of the earlier episodes, there was a brief mention on self-doubt. I remembered thinking to myself - hey! Seems like.... it's normal? It's like a hurdle of fear you have to cross, to take that leap of faith before reaping its results. 

But the fear is sooooo, so daunting. 

What if I'm just not good enough in whatever I wish to do?

Do I try harder, fail, try harder again, before losing hope because I'm just not enough for it?

Do I regret my choices afterwards?

It's a constant mental tug-of-war which exists within me. Some days, this idealistic side wins by a bit. But on most days, the logical side still wins.

I wonder whether anyone feels the same way, or is it really just me?

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I wish that the irrational, courageous part of me would pull on the end of this tug-of-war rope so damn hard just for a day, for me to be fearless enough to run towards where I think I should be headed for.

To be brave enough to gamble with having all or nothing.