Changing My Job in the Midst of COVID-19 (& Impending Recession?)

Here we are, already in the middle of 2020.

Time is sure flying by in the scariest speed possible.

Here’s one thing about Aging - nobody tells you how your perception of time changes.

I truly understand why they say that time waits for no man lol. Once you’re in your 20s, you just gotta blink once and the next thing you know - you’re someone in your mid-30s, being all astonished because you’ve survived unknowingly in the workforce for more than 10 years.

BAAAM. #adulting

Now, now. I almost forgot how Dec 2019 was like. I guess I was a different person back then. I was still comfortably in the govt sector, and happily collected my AWS.

Who knew how much the world would’ve changed in a span of.... 5 months?

Worldwide pandemic. Markets hitting a new low. Us being forced to accept lifestyle changes as new norms.

It felt so surreal. It was as if the world were suddenly moving at twice the speed.

In the midst of all these, I was struggling with my own personal choices. What a time to be making life-changing decisions, huh? My brain can be such a joker sometimes.

Remember my post on my career?

So, I took a leap of faith..... and left my first job.

What a scary time, really.

And as of today, I've been at my new workplace for a month.

(Happy monthsary to me!)

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Onboarding at my new workplace was a whole new experience.

I had a kind delivery from the company's HR, where I received my work laptop and company tees.

I stared at the tees, still slowly trying to absorb the fact that I was going to join this company that I have been a fan of.

The first week went by in a blur.

I slowly got used to the new laptop, while trying to be up to speed with the new jargon and applications I had to use.

Besides a complete shift in industries, I was now facing a completely new job role, while juggling this new change with the COVID-19 work-from-home situation.

It was definitely overwhelming.

I struggled to keep afloat, regularly checking my Google calendar to make sure that I wasn't missing out on any Zoom calls or Google Hangouts.

I was pushing myself to an edge, forcing myself to adapt as quickly as I could, in order to be a more efficient worker, and in some way, I wanted to prove that I wasn't a waste of company's resources - especially in a time like this, where companies were trying their best to save costs.

I would be lying if I were to say that this whole job transition was a breeze.

But I'm incredibly thankful for patient colleagues, who have been trying their best to teach me everything they could, in this very new and strange work environment.

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Onboarding in the time of COVID-19 also robbed me the ability to create regular first impressions with my new colleagues.

Goodbye to regular hellos and handshakes, and Hello faces on computer screens and communication channels.

We are now in a slightly awkward phase of 'knowing, yet no knowing' each other. Building rapport is definitely more challenging without seeing one another physically, but yet again, very thankful for them for being encouraging and patient despite having a mountainous load of work on their backs.

I can't wait to meet them in person and get to know them proper. :-)

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I know that I'll be looking back at this in a couple of years down the road, and laugh at how memorable and special this situation is.

But I just want to note it down here to remind myself of my progress and my efforts, and that leap of faith I took to make that career switch at this extremely scary period of time, and that I am proud to have made this jump, because I know that this decision will provide me with new challenges, and help me grow in ways I wouldn't have if I were to choose to remain comfortable.

Ah, another experience for the memories.

Losing Track of Your (Financial) Purpose

The thing about drafting a blog post is that it isn't like posting instastories - you don't get that instant gratification, and if you let your thoughts sit around for a bit, the feelings of jotting it down start dissipating.

So that kinda explains my (almost) 2-month long hiatus from this space. I had these fleeting thoughts about life and such (#adulting, y'know. life thoughts errday everyday), but my mentally exhausted self couldn't find that motivation on weekdays. We all read articles on the routines of billionaires, them waking up in the wee hours of the morning and breaking their days into chunks of productive work, and I'm like "ok. I can never be like them.".

Anyway, I woke up this Sunday morning to lovely weather, and felt extra happy to snooze in bed without an alarm. I ate my breakfast at 10:30, and while working through the meal, I had a sudden thought about the productivity these billionaires had. Though I mostly enjoy sleeping in on the weekends, I do sometimes think of how these hours spent in bed could potentially be turned into hours of productivity, and ultimately becoming little building blocks of my eventual 'success'.

It's weird but I kinda feel like I'm losing track of my financial goals.

I started my post-graduation journey feeling very motivated, excited to use my youth as my advantage, to learn as much as I could so that I could have a 'head-start' with these newly gained knowledge. However, it feels like thoughts like these have taken a backseat recently. The desire to swim against the current has always been purely self-driven - people around me seem settled with the fact that they are going to be part of the norm. Advancing through the career ladder, settle down with kids, retire at 65 with a fat cpf account. I have always felt like the only one wanting to do something different, and lead another version of life. I've been seeking motivation from people online, keeping a lookout for a like-minded community, which undoubtedly provides a level of reassurance and inspiration.

However, on days where I don't remind myself of what I ultimately want, I feel like I slip comfortably back to square one. Sometimes, I have thoughts of being okay with where I am. Hustling along with life, safe in this comfort zone. Getting used to the notion of having Monday blues, and looking forward to weekends. And this scares me. It scares me knowing that if I don't want something hard enough, I might just lose sight of it.

All these while, I have been focusing on saving, learning the basics of investing, learning to stretch my dollar through the various apps, finding tips and tricks of credit card rebates and such. Even though it always feels shiok to see that money credited to your Shopback account, or seeing the figures in your bank account slowly climbing up, it sometimes feels like I'm getting nowhere with it.....? Not sure whether it even makes sense. It's like you are painting this huge painting with this incredibly tiny brush, and you wonder how long it's gonna take for the painting to be completed. Or whether it'll even turn out to be a decent painting.

And it feels like if I don't remind myself of this big goal that I have, I might just slip back to being a regular wage slave, struggling to survive in SG. Clocking in and out through my daily life, doing what I told myself I should never do. :'(

What a scary thought huh?

This journey is indeed a marathon. So how do you keep the momentum, and the drive to do so?

Career Crossroads in my 20s?

It’s the end of another work week. 

After exclaiming my weekly ‘TGIF lo!!!’, I packed my bags, gleamed at my schedule of no plans, headed home for a hearty home-cooked dinner, and had a comforting bath before getting nicely nestled in bed.

While performing my daily millennial ritual of social media scrolling, I came across this meaningful video by SoImJenn, featuring Grab on raising the awareness of inclusivity of the PWD community, through their Grab for Good campaign.

Here’s the video:

After watching the video, I got all teary. It’s amazing how such videos remind me of how fortunate we are, and the littlest things that we often overlook.

However, the strongest feeling I got from this video was actually - what the heck am I doing with my life?

In fact, this question has been boggling my mind for the past couple of weeks, or even months. This actually came as a surprise to me - I have always thought of myself to be satisfied with where I was, contented with my day-to-day duties, and then one day, my brain decided to switch gears and it suddenly became..... confused. I became confused.

Confused about two words - my purpose.

It started off as a small speck of thought. It would occasionally peek in, while I was in the shower (y’know, shower thoughts), while I’m on the train to work, or become I fall asleep at night. These thoughts would just come and go, occasionally weaving through the slivers of my mind. 

And then it got more common. I found myself questioning things more often. I began to look at different situations and was thinking about how things might, or could have been. 

I know, it’s freaking weird to say this - but am I on my career crossroads? I’m barely 3ish years into the workforce, am I even allowed to verbalise this, or feel this way?? Is there such a thing as being too young to say that? Shouldn’t people only feel it when they have hustled for many years, and when they are in the midst of their mid-career crises? 

I feel almost ashamed for feeling like that. :’(

And there’s just this voice in my head, which I call ‘The Logical Mel’. It usually tells me: 

“STOP BEING AN IDEALIST!!! STOP THINKING SO MUCH! YOU ARE JUST COMPLICATING THINGS. JUST GO WITH THIS SAFE & CONVENTIONAL LIFESTYLE!”

My peers are mostly on their second on third jobs. Everyone around me seems to know what they want - they seem to have their plans in place, everyone has their game going, and nobody seems to be questioning their current way of living. 

This makes me a lot more doubtful of myself. It’s difficult to reach out to a goal which is of the minority, it feels like a real lonely journey. 

While I can’t shake off this nagging feeling, I’m rooted by so many fears. 

1. Am I being ungrateful for leaving something I don’t dislike?

This is at the top of my list. The fact that I don’t dislike my job. I used to think that that itself should make me stay somewhere, because that’s already something that’s hard to come by. There are so many people who dread heading to work, because they really really dislike facing what they do on a daily basis. I don’t dislike what I’m doing, there are some aspects which are still interesting. Which makes the situation a whole lot trickier.

You see, if you hate your job, you’ll be so compelled to leave it. But here I am, slowly getting comfortable/used to my area of work, having my own group of colleagues to hang out with, and I’m not completely sucky at what I do. 

Leaving something that's termed as an iron rice bowl is also pretty damn scary. When I see people streaming in for interviews at my company, it reminds that people are actually fighting for a spot like me. Is it...... worth giving up?

However, I think  I don’t feel mentally stimulated at work. Most of the time, I’m just following through work processes, and getting them done to achieve KPIs. And that itself is worrying to me. Isn't that akin to being a corporate slave? If I were to get complacent at this age, I can’t imagine how I would be in 5 years time....? 10 years time......? The fact that humans get more reluctant to leave their comfort zones as time passes, really scares me. 

2. Fear of letting my parents down

This. Another one. I feel like I can't afford to 'make a mistake', if that even makes sense? I know that this shouldn't be the biggest concern, but I would never want to let my parents down. They've given me so much all these years, and it is my wish to be able to provide them financially, if I were to have the means to do so.

Leaving something which provides me financial security and certainty is damn freaking intimidating. Being armed with a local undergraduate degree does come with its advantages. My parents have put me through college with their hard-earned money, and that provided me with an opportunity to be on a slight pedestal for certain opportunities. It was because of them, that I got this privilege. Throwing that away just seemed really ungrateful..... you know?

By making such a decision, am I being really selfish?

3. Fear of it being just an idealistic bubble

Am I just being too idealistic? Is it too idealistic for me to hold on to the belief that there should still be more to life than just this? Is it wrong to think that there should be more purpose in what we spend 8h every weekday on? Or is it just too good to be true?

There's this concept about Ikigai by the Japanese.

For the uninitiated, Ikigai is a Japanese concept that means "a reason for being." (From Wiki). In short, achieve the centre of the venn diagram, and you'll wake up feeling full of purpose, and have a sense of purpose and meaning to life. 

And I'm completely convinced by it. That's definitely the 'best case scenario', but shouldn't we actively work towards it? I strongly believe having purpose is what drives people to do better, do good and feel fulfilled. 

But with this concept being predominantly in cities with a slower pace of life, is it too idealistic to strive towards this way of life?

4. Fear of not being (good) enough?

I am looking for something that keeps me excited and motivated. I want to serve the community, and to give back to people. I want to spend the bulk of my time doing something that I know is helping in improving someone's life, be it in a small or big way. 

I was listening to a podcast recommended by someone on Dayre (@qinqin, hello if you see this!), which is called the LITO podcast. It is started by a duo, Danny and Rebecca. On the show, they talk about relatable topics such as mental health, doing joyful work, passion etc etc. I found myself looking forward to every episode, and resonating well with the thoughts shared by the speakers. The topics and their way of speaking were very digestible, and easy to listen to. I found it particularly enjoyable because of the way they showed their vulnerability, and they were very willing the challenges they faced along the way, and what it took to get them to where they are at now. It is very inspiring. :-) 

As you can imagine, the both of them are #goals now. They are working on what they are passionate about, and you could tell from their voices. They are such happy people, it's amazing. However, it took them hard work, grit and courage for them to get to where they are right now.

In one of the earlier episodes, there was a brief mention on self-doubt. I remembered thinking to myself - hey! Seems like.... it's normal? It's like a hurdle of fear you have to cross, to take that leap of faith before reaping its results. 

But the fear is sooooo, so daunting. 

What if I'm just not good enough in whatever I wish to do?

Do I try harder, fail, try harder again, before losing hope because I'm just not enough for it?

Do I regret my choices afterwards?

Privilege - Having the Choice To Quit Your Job

Headed out bright and early this morning to meet my friend, and decided to take a shortcut by passing through the mall. It was about 9:30 in the morning, and the mall was still half asleep. The shutters were still up for most of the stores, and it was quite peaceful and quiet, unlike the usual scene we see in malls these days (crowded!).

Caught a glimpse of the retail store I used to work for, back in the university days. It looked exactly like how it was 6 years ago, when I did the morning shift. I momentarily recalled my stint there for a couple of months, and I slightly winced at the thought of that. 

I remembered counting my spending back then by hours. This plate of chicken rice? It costs 0.5h of my pay. That new facial cleanser? 3h of my pay. I remember watching the time pass during the lull period, thinking to myself: wow time CAN indeed come to a standstill lol. Money was indeed hard earned. You’re literally trading your time for $7/h, selling off time you could have spent hanging out with family and friends, doing something you like, or just be a happy couch potato.

You look at your friends going on long holidays and have gorgeous photos online. Instead, you spend these hours packing up the mess that customers made. You spend it facing people who look past you, as though you are 5 levels below them. You spend it wondering why (some) humans are just rude and inconsiderate towards strangers who serve them with a smile. You would feel mentally and emotionally trampled on, but you also live for moments when customers greet you with the widest smiles, when parents allow their little kids to sneak a little play with you. When customers are extra appreciative and polite when you assist them with their queries. It’s like you see this bad side of people, and you get comforted by the good side too.

I also started noticing things that I didn’t as a regular shopper. Now I think about the hard work of these employees before and after store hours. The back-breaking work to get the store ready, and also the clean-up after everyone leaves. It’s amazing how terrible being a retail assistant could feel sometimes, yet how it taught me to be more understanding and tolerant towards people.

Okay, back to the main stream of my thoughts.

Recalling how I used to feel from my retail job, I  compared it to how I feel towards my current office job. I'm currently at my third year mark of my first job after graduation - at this point, your peers around you start asking you: when are you switching jobs? The culture of 'job-hopping' is prevalent and unlike the past, it is now widely accepted. Job switches are currently seen as gaining of experiences, instead of being disloyal or career-ruining. Instead of comfortably settling in a job4life, millennials are taught that stagnancy in a company is baaaad.


When this memory of my part-time stint flashed across my mind, idk whether it sounds strange, but I had this sudden immense gratitude. Look at people around us, slogging their lives out and clocking 12h shifts, or even juggling two jobs. Quitting a job was never a choice, at least not for reasons that we now think of. For personal development, for a refreshing change. It is such a privilege to be in my shoes to have such 'worries', to ponder over things I would think would govern the next five years of my life, yet in a macroscopic perspective, seems so...... insignificant.

I don't have to worry about quitting without fearing the inability to purchase groceries or my next meal. I don't have to worry about quitting because I can't pay my bills. Even though I love to save $ and am a cheapo in certain ways, I have the luxury of spending a few hundred dollars on a musical/concert ticket, or buy a new wallet without any second thoughts. It is... a privilege to be able to live like that.

May I always remember this privilege, especially during difficult times at work. Albeit some not-too-pleasant encounters here and there, I no longer have to face unexpected nasty strangers (I can just ignore irritating colleagues hahaha). I no longer have to brave through shifts just to ensure I have pocket money next week. :-)


Such random thoughts I have even just by crossing a mall. Goodness haha.

Why I value Personal Finance so much

When I was little, I didn’t think of money much. All I knew was there was always food on the table, I would get my weekly pocket money, I would get chunks of money during Chinese New Year which would be stashed away in my POSB account. Money never seemed like an issue, perhaps I was just a kid - the parents would never talk about money in front of us. I had art classes, piano lessons, and almost went into ballet classes - I remembered not liking how the class was, so mama didn’t sign me up.

Primary school was.... fun? A breeze? I had this confidence when friends who learned piano asked - 'So, which grade are you?', and I would answer with utmost pride - 'Grade 8!', when I turned Primary 6. I was also given opportunities to perform in front of the entire school, and I relished in the applause from the floor. Thinking back, I might have been a lil cocky kid huh. Haha.

At that time, money just didn’t seem like an issue. I mean, I was having classes only a few others had, right? (I was probably also too damn young to understand, or be told anything.)

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Then came Secondary school. I think it’s the period of adolescence where you think you know everything. Naturally, money became something everyone started being aware of. I mean, people started using Billabong pencil cases, had Roxy backpacks and whatnot. I remembersome classmates having the envy of others when they had outrageous amounts of daily pocket money.

I remember feeling slightly confused when I was asked to apply for financial assistance. I remember being just one of the two people in my class receiving food slips every month, where the teacher called our names at the front of the class to receive them. I remember my cheeks being flushed with embarrassment everytime that happened. I remember dreading this monthly ordeal. You mean..... everyone knows I’m poor now..?

I remember telling my mama how embarrassed I felt when I had to use those food coupons during lunch breaks. I felt that the tuckshop auntie was judging me when I handed her the little slips, and that she was remembering who this pathetic kid was. She probably wasn’t thinking about that at all, but the me back then felt this psychological stress chewing me up. I became really self-conscious during breaks, and felt so small and lousy. Mama saw how it was consuming me inside, and told me to stop using it immediately. Looking back, it was such a stupid move. Young and immature me didn't know how I was causing unnecessary expenses, and how hurtful my moves were. I didn't know better. How my classmates viewed me seemed like the most important thing back then.

Knowing that my family was probably going through some rough financial patches, I decided to save whatever I had left. After CCA, my friends would hang around malls to grab a meal before heading home. I remember sitting in fast food restaurant, and while I looked at my friends queuing for their food, I would tell myself 'There's food at home! Hang in there ok?', while my stomach grumbled. Money just seemed so scarce then, a $5 meal now could be my lunch for the next two days. It just didn't felt right to buy something while I was on my way home. Over time, I think my friends got used to me sitting around watching them eat, they started offering food to me everytime we hung out together. (Thank you friends for not disowning me, haha)

I knew my family didn't have much, I knew I was 'below-average' in financial sense. Thinking back, I just didn't know how bad it was, because of how well my parents concealed it.

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In JC, my pocket money became slightly higher. However, being conditioned to the fact of the tight financial situation at home, I began having the habit of choosing the cheapest item off the menu whenever my friends dined out. Like noodles? Choose the cheapest one. Like rice? Choose the cheapest one. Like drinks? Trick question. You don't get any drinks, you drink plain water from your bottle.

I hated the printing of stacks of notes during the prep of A's, because that meant $ flying away. I also didn't like topping up my EZ-link. Portions of my pocket money had to be squirreled away for such expenses.

Then, University came. Well, well, well. With looks (& how pretty you resume is) being the core of uni life, dolling up and caring for your skin suddenly became essential on your to-do list. With these new superficial needs (as well as basic needs such as food and transport), I took up tutoring, and did short part-time stints during my school breaks, as pocket money was no longer in the picture. I had to be financially responsible on my own.

Everyone around me were shopping on blogshops weekly. On the other hand, I did my daily browsing on Carousell, and hunted for preloved clothes and skincare. I simply couldn't afford that weekly new $50 dress. With a heart itching to have different clothes / skincare while on a tight budget, buying second-hand seemed to be a much more feasible choice. 

I also remember envying classmates when they flew to different parts of the world during school breaks, while I hustled to earn my own keep. I did retail work, F&B work, event work, and continued tutoring.

'Sigh, it must be great not being limited by the amount of money you have.'

Deciding that schooling years would be the best time to head overseas for an extended period of time, I saved up a couple of months' worth of internship pay and bought a ticket to North America in Year 3. I had a great time at my summer school, and every cent was worth it.

But it definitely, definitely blew a hole through my savings.

Money that I've scrimped and saved from earning by the hour, gone within a few weeks.

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I graduated University with $8xx in my bank. Wow, so pathetic right. Money went into one pocket, and out from another, not because I partied and had fun, but just because daily meals and expenses just costed $$$. With an almost empty bank account, it felt like I was starting afresh, financially.

As a fresh graduate, I also had no clue about important stuff like insurance and investment. I was too busy worrying about daily expenses, and they felt like additional things to think about.

I also grew up with the impression that insurance was purely blood sucking stuff. That all agents would be out to con you, and to suck your money dry. Insurance was BAD.

I was very fortunate to secure a job a month after my graduation, after my first interview. I am very thankful I didn't have to go through that whole emotional stress, having to think of ways to buy my next meal as I didn't have a fat bank account. /sweats

Being a full-time adulting employee also meant the most exciting thing ever - having monthly income!!! Such an exciting thought ikr. With a 4-figure amount coming in every month, I knew I HAD to budget, and plan my finances properly. I wanted to do it right.

I graduated during the period where sites like Seedly were popping up. The internet started filling up with pages focusing on personal finance, and tips on managing your finances, or even growing your pool of wealth. 

Man, I got so excited. Here I am, given a chance to decide on my financial future. I scoured the internet to find articles I could relate too, and started reading up on anything I could work on. I downloaded E-books, and discovered new websites. I joined FB groups and saw people sharing about their financial journeys and experiences, and felt so motivated to work on my own. Is it weird to say that I really felt like I was holding my financial future in my hands, and that I had the power to determine how it was going to be? 

I started writing down my expenses, I budgeted the amounts I could spend each month, set aside money to learn driving, read up on investment, insurance, and researched on cards and bank accounts. The more I read, the happier I felt. I loved the gaining of information, especially information which would help make this personal finance journey a little smoother. 

I am definitely still learning now, and am still very excited to learn more. I'm excited to reach a stage in life to let people know that it is still possible to own this journey despite being a regular salaryman. This is also perhaps why I love the page 'The Woke Salaryman'. It provides me with the reassurance that there are people like me out there, navigating through this whole adulting journey while making (hopefully) wise financial decisions. This is because I feel that this whole Delayed Gratification game could get slightly lonely at times. We're living in the world of instant gratification, where we treat ourselves for any hardwork we have done, for any sad or bad days. It definitely takes extra effort to practise delayed gratification, and I am most certainly working towards having this as a habit, as second nature.

So... why do I value personal finance so much? This is because I realise that I am solely responsible for my own personal finance journey, and whatever I do can cause a ripple effect in the many years to come. I have the power to decide what path to take, and it all begins now. :-)

I would also like to mention a few things I've learned over the past few years:

1) I am incredibly, incredibly thankful for my parents. In the recent years, I've learnt that my family survived with $1500/month with 3 kids under the roof, for a couple of years. $1500/month, can you even imagine? I recently googled and I realised that amount could have us qualified for public rental flats. However, we still always had electricity and food, had a clean house to go home to too. 

My parents gave me everything, including a debt-free start after graduation. That, I'm incredibly thankful for. Despite being a low-income household, my parents paid for an endowment plan which allowed for a lump sum payment just in time for the end of my university years. :'') I understand that this is definitely not a given, and not everyone has this luxury. I fully acknowledge this, and I guess I pay them back with my filial piety..........? Heh kidding. I love them very much. They are my heroes.

They also provided us with an incredibly loving family. We may not have much in terms of finances, but we have so much love. Coming back home also meant warmth. I would have my listening ears, and mama would always be there to dish out her advice, whenever necessary. We would eat meals together, share laughter or gather in front of the tv together to catch things like the NDP. Such things are definitely worth more than money. :') Irreplaceable.

2) You are your own captain. You do you. If you think spending money on frivolous things makes you the happiest, do it. If you think saving every cent makes you the happiest, you do it. Just do it while being aware that you shouldn't regret whatever decision you make. 

3) Some things are worth spending money on, some things not. Things like insurance is essential, but don't over-insure. I've learnt to read up on difference insurance types and policies to get myself well-informed, so that I am able to decide what I want. This also allows me to not to suckered in by sweet words of anyone hehe. Things like spending on gatherings which are just societal pressure in disguise? Nah. Not worth it at all. 

4) Personal Finance planning is exciting!! Well, at least for me. It makes me feel like I'm getting my shit together, and I am in control of my own life. I don't enjoy the feeling of reckless spending (lucky for me lol, it all works out), I guess such spending brings me more guilt than adrenaline high hahaha. This means a lot of my purchases are thought through, and this habit would be useful after I retire. Well, not all purchases are well thought through though....... my discipline isn't exactly exercised for things like grocery shopping. I might grab more snacks than I plan for each time I'm at NTUC oops.

5) Conventional 9-5s are really not the only way to earn money anymore. Gone are the days where you can only earn money from slogging out hour by hour. There are just so many avenues to earn money now, just do a quick search online and you'll be drowning in suggestions from different websites. That being said, I am SO ANNOYED by people who are appearing on Youtube ads and telling me I can earn 5-figures by yada yada. I am so unconvinced lol. I, however do acknowledge the fact that the methods of earning money has expanded so much since our parents' days. 

With that, I am still hoping to start with some side hustle, and retire from the age old 9-5. Sometimes, being filled with ideas is not enough. You need that effort to execute, and follow through. Most people die out during the whole following through stage. 

Well, we shall see.

I know I might be late to the whole personal finance game, but what is late when I've still got years ahead to plan and execute, and own it? 26 years old is still a toddler in the adulting world, right? Haha /selfcomfort

Alright, let's hustle on, guys! The world is our oyster. :-)

Being Alone.

This afternoon, I had to attend some training and after the longest time, I had to settle lunch outside alone. Even though I am a true blue introvert, there is just something about solo meals under the glaring eyes of the public that still slightly intimidates me.

I mean, over the past few years, I have definitely grown to be more comfortable with hanging out with just myself. You know those quotes saying ‘Learn how to enjoy spending time with yourself, and you’ll never truly feel alone’? I remember treating that as my mantra for a period of time while I was still schooling haha. It’s the truth, right? It’s just like the saying ‘You must learn to love yourself before knowing how to love someone else.’ And all that jazz. You get my drift.

Due to this little man called Anxiety which always exists within me, I googled for places to comfortably seek solitude during this scary thing called lunch hour. Crazy queues, hungry (ok, more like hangry) people crowding around, chionging and chope-ing seats? Thanks but no thanks. *shudders* Pre-planning is definitely required for a solo trooper like me.

Headed to the shortlisted lunch space and just expected, a long queue was formed outside of it. I looked into my bag containing a paper bag generously given by my co-worker earlier this morning, and felt a sigh of relief. Bag of samosa and goreng pisang! My well-needed sustenance to tide me through the lunch hour.

After spending an hour in the library, I scurried back to said lunch space and was really glad to spot a much smaller crowd. I noticed a tiny seat for 2 from the corner of my eye - yesssss victory!! I plopped myself onto the seat with my big bowl of hot cream soup, ready to spend some alone meal time.

While munching on lunch, I took a look around me. People were mostly in pairs or threes. There were students, office workers, people who looked like they just finished a workout, etc. I listened to the trio beside me talking about how difficult it is to plan for their career - they were entering jc/poly next year, wow - that youth! I WANT IT BACK. The table across had two people taking happy selfies with the food. The lady clearing the tables in front had this constant smile across her face, while she struggled with balancing the stack of bowls she had in her arms. Someone offered to carry a tray for her. She politely declined.

Something about people-watching which is.... weirdly therapeutic. I don’t know. Is that even normal? It kinda just makes me forget about myself, my work, work, work, my schedules, my deadlines. I feel like I’m being placed in this other point of view where I’m in this other bubble while watching the world go by. Silent, peaceful bubble.

You watch how people interact with one another, you notice moments which would normally be overlooked. You notice moments of kindness, moments of angst, moments of happiness.

I looked at the clock and it was almost time. I cleaned up my bowl, took a sip of water and left for my destination.

You know what? I miss such solitude. After starting work, my mind has been in such a whirl. I used to stop and admire life as its own when I was a student. I took slower steps, looked around more often and somehow, that led to me being more grateful and I think.... I just lived.

Even though I told myself to always remember this side of life prior to starting work, I realised only today (after 3 years of work, goodness!) that I have been barely surviving, what more living. To me, living isn't even about going for all kinds of adrenaline-rushy activities. It simply means taking a step back and acknowledging the current state of mind. My mind has always been filled by the tasks I have on hand. I even wake up with the first thought of 'what do I need to complete today?'. It's might not seem too much, but it truly adds up. It slowly eats you up inside, and with a little a day, that insignificance builds up and leaves you with a large mental hole.

With the increase in the focus on mental health these days, I do really appreciate articles floating around the net to remind us to be slightly kinder to ourselves, to take a mental break, albeit rather difficult in this incredibly fast-paced, deadlines-driven society.

You know what? It's so difficult to remember things which aren't emphasised these days. Who focuses on breaks and what not if productivity, efficiency, speed and results are all that's deemed as success nowadays?

I've fallen trap to the mainstream idea of success, and have placed what's truly important (to me) aside for the past few years.


But not today.

What Are We Working Hard For?

It’s the end of Sunday. I looked at the clock, and was thinking to myself - damn, we are already 3 days in, out of 4 days of this long weekend.

I remember starting the week on Monday, wishing it was already Friday. I kinda felt bad for feeling that. I mean, is that how my life is going to be? Looking forward to weekends? How can I possibly live my days fully if i were to only look forward to weekdays, and always wishing that weekdays would come to an end as quickly as possible?

Sometimes i just have such thoughts floating in my head. Is life suppose to be this way? Switching the alarm clock off every 6:30am, snooze a little, jump out of bed, rush for the usual train/bus, look forward to lunch time, look forward to the end of the day, look forward to the end of the week. Spend Sundays dreading Mondays, and the whole cycle begins again.

Am i not treasuring life enough? I am able-bodied, working in a cushy office job with a survivable pay, not having to worry about whether i would be able to feed myself for the next meal, not having to worry whether i would have warm water to take a bath. Am i being ungrateful for overlooking what i already have, these ‘life’s necessities’ which might not be as readily available for the next person? Is it too much to perhaps...... ask for more?

Sometimes i just wonder. I wonder whether others like me have such thoughts. Ain’t life supposed to be something more? Is it too much to desire a life where i could wake up feeling refreshed, and not counting down the weekdays, but to actually look forward to the day i was about to face? Is it too idealistic to want a life where I could feel excitement in my bones and passion under my skin? Or am i asking for too much since i am already (to some) in a ‘comfortable’ environment?

Gah, so many thoughts. This is perhaps, what adulting does to you. You drown yourself with endless questions due to the many possibilities you have in life.

I am completely aware that i am actually in a privileged position to be able to have a choice. Being able to choose is definitely not a universal option, and i would always be grateful for that.

I just have this nagging thought in my gut, that life should be something much more.

And i, and only i am in charge of the direction of where I’m headed, and where I’ll ultimately go.